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Oscar-nominated Juno star and trans actor Elliot Page opens up about Hollywood, abuse and coming out (18m41s); Marina Hyde implores Holly Willoughby to lose the sanctimony as she returns to daytime TV (1m26s); and as he finally reveals his true identity, Henry Morris (aka The Secret Tory) tells Zoe Williams why it was time to come clean (8m31s)

There’s no telling how many indictments he will collect before the election. And the sad fact is that his party doesn’t seem to care

Donald Trump announced his latest indictment last night in front of a painting of a guy literally twirling his moustache. “I am an innocent man,” the former president insisted, next to this cartoon shorthand for villainy. The oil painting in question is not so much an artwork as a lift-music version of an artwork, and seems to hang at Trump’s Bedminster golf club in New Jersey – which is the same place he buried his former wife Ivana, as all admirers of both exquisite taste and private-cemetery tax breaks may already know. Either way, Ivana’s there, right near the first tee. It’s what she would have wanted.

As for her surviving ex-husband, it’s fashionable to say that anything that would represent a catastrophic setback for any other human being is exactly what Trump would have wanted. By this metric, his indictment on federal charges for the first time, including under the Espionage Act, is an absolute gift and a triumph. He’ll use it to pull in fundraising, it’ll rally his base, it’ll make every Republican beta – which is to say, every Republican – feel they have to swear loyalty to him. Furthermore, it’s already got him right where he most loves to be: with everyone talking about him. And these are all reasonable points – or at least reasonable in a through-the-looking-glass way, given that to many outside observers the United States passed reason two or three election cycles ago. If only they could invade themselves to bring democracy.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

On Tuesday 13 June, Marina Hyde will join Gary Younge at a Guardian Live event in Brighton. Readers can join this event in person

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber, £9.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.

It was a heroic attempt to save the brand by throwing Phil under a bus, but it’ll take more than crystals to shift those negative forces

By now you may be all over Holly Willoughby’s Hollier-than-thou return to This Morning, given that Guardian readers sent coverage of the event straight up yesterday’s most-read chart. So you’ll no doubt already know that this was the first edition of the ITV daytime show that Holly has fronted since the defenestration of her former friend and co-host Phillip Schofield for having an affair with a much younger staff member.

You hear a lot about entities that would survive a nuclear apocalypse – cockroaches, scorpions, that sort of thing. On the day of a potentially catastrophic strike on Ukraine’s Nova Kakhovka dam, please add the indomitable This Morning saga to their number.

The Scissor Sisters’ Jake Shears reflects on the new wave of queer culture – and throwing the ultimate party (8m32s); Marina Hyde on how difficult it is being a philanthropist like Jeff Bezos (1m30s); and Joanna Biggs tries to find meaning in a post-divorce world (19m32s)

Former PM says he will provide unredacted messages directly to the inquiry in letter to Lady Hallett

Earlier we reported on Boris Johnson’s willingness to provide unredacted WhatsApps to the Covid 19 inquiry directly.

In a letter to the chair on Friday, Johnson said: “I am not willing to let my material become a test case for others when I am perfectly content for the inquiry to see it.”

Conveniently, the device he used most during the pandemic cannot be switched on due to security reasons

Did you see that story about the Indian government official who drained an entire reservoir to retrieve a phone? Amazing that it turned out to be not even the most ludicrous government-phone-retrieval story this week.

As you may by now have read, Boris Johnson can’t give the phone he used for most of the pandemic to the Covid inquiry because of security reasons. He says he still has the phone – then again, he says a lot of things. I think the phone has faked its own death and is living in sin beneath the North Sea with Rebekah Vardy’s agent’s phone. Can we drain the North Sea? Keir Starmer could suggest it’s one of the things we should do instead of drilling in it.

The ‘not illegal’ woes of daytime telly are gripping the nation. Who better to opine than our squeaky-clean representatives?

Total and utter indifference on behalf of the ITV share price today, despite the UN formally designating This Morning a failed state. As you might be dimly aware, the daytime show is in disarray to the point of anarchy, unable to control its populace and beset by previously spurned warlords making significant territorial gains across the border from GB News. So the share price stability is the best news ITV has had all week. After all, any company where the behaviour of one half of one sofa is remotely market-moving would surely be moments away from going tits-up.

But it says so much about this great nation of ours that there are botched UK military interventions we’ve now heard less about than This Morning. Barack Obama famously judged what David Cameron allowed Libya to become as “a shitshow”. But had Obama, I wonder, ever watched Eamonn Holmes deliver a landmark drive-by in which he explained how Thursday nights were “playtime” for Phillip Schofield and his young lover? I think it could have put things into perspective.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber Publishing, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.

Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.

Succession creator, Jesse Armstrong, on why the show nearly didn’t happen (1m24s), Marina Hyde is amused by the idea of the home secretary being too famous to attend an online speed awareness course (15m15s), and a hostage negotiator reveals the secrets that could transform your life (23m32s).

Giving money away is hard, says Lauren Sánchez, who is currently touring Europe with Bezos on his 417ft yacht

One-click on a fascinator, readers, because there’s a mega-wedding in the offing. Congratulations to Mr Jeff Bezos, Amazon kajillionaire, and Ms Lauren Sánchez, bralette-wearing philanthropist/immense force of nature. Although news of the couple’s engagement seeped out this week after Lauren was spotted wearing a diamond ring in the south of France, Jeff has yet to release a formal announcement. So let’s just draft one for him: “Ladies and gents, she said Proceed to Checkout.”

Now look, you already know Jeff. World’s third-richest man. Went to space. Looks like he should be appearing above a daytime TV caption reading “I make £40 a month as a Vin Diesel escort and my fiancee loves it!” But are you fully across Lauren? I’ll be honest: we haven’t met. But from the outside looking in, my nose pressed against the glass of Google Images, I simply cannot get enough of this Nietzschean superwoman, the final form of the East German silicon-doping programme, who has missile-titted her way into my consciousness and now captivates me twice weekly with her insouciance, her outfits, and her observations on just how difficult philanthropy is to do. Seriously: no one has ever thought harder about how to help poors while mooching round a Grand Prix enclosure with some kind of You Could Never Access All My Areas lanyard dangling from her belt loop. In some ways I don’t think I’ve felt this amused by a picaresque heroine since I saw a photo of Jennifer Arcuri biting the head off a fondant-icing Boris Johnson figurine, from a Boris Johnson cake she’d had made. Yes, customers who liked Jennifer also liked Lauren. Not so much a gal-about-town as a gal-about-planet.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

This June, Marina Hyde will join fellow columnists at three Guardian Live events in Leeds, Brighton and London. Readers can join these events in person and the London event will be livestreamed

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

Was the Dua Lipa of SW1 too famous to join an online speed awareness course with the plebs? In her own mind, at least

I think being recognised on a speed awareness course would actually have played quite well for Suella Braverman, suggesting she takes her slaps on the wrist like any ordinary person. Getting a speeding ticket is not the worst thing in the world. Let’s face it, it probably wasn’t even the worst thing she did that week. It would certainly have played better than trying to weasel out of the standard course, with or without the requested assistance of the civil servants she usually likes to insult as “the blob”. (Sarah Palin’s abortive pitch-for-power book was called Going Rogue. If the home secretary does write an equivalent tome during her next spell in the political wilderness, I’d like to see it called On the Blob.)

For now, there is much to enjoy in Braverman’s sense that she was simply too famous and too distracting to do an online speed awareness course with the plebs. In fact, as attorney general at the time, Suella surely enjoyed a greater degree of anonymity than that afforded by even the better witness protection programmes. Yet the Dua Lipa of SW1 instead opted to take the three points on her licence – a genuinely ridiculous piece of judgment that will somehow not permanently disqualify her from suggesting she’s the best person to have her hands on the nuclear codes.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

This June, Marina Hyde will join fellow columnists at three Guardian Live events in Leeds, Brighton and London. Readers can join these events in person and the London event will be livestreamed

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

Nothing is more important to the country right now than Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield’s alleged rift, and Marina Hyde is absolutely here for it (1m30s); in the wake of a racially-charged backlash, Halle Bailey talks about overcoming self-doubt and her soulmate sister Chlöe (8m15s); and author Kat Lister explores the stigma of grieving partners’ sexuality and the loss of sexual intimacy (25m56s).

The decaying parliament building – and the hypocrisy of those who should be fixing it – says a lot about a nation that’s seen better days

Britain increasingly feels like a terribly old country. We keep hearing its pipework hasn’t been properly overhauled since the Victorian age, so its own sewage laps at its shores and courses through its rivers. Earlier this month we crowned our oldest ever new monarch, a man who looked a picture of melancholy pretty much throughout, even if media sycophancy made it verboten to categorise the mood as anything other than joyous renewal. The country is overwhelmingly governed in the interests of older voters at the expense of the young. And this week, the latest update on the literally crumbling Houses of Parliament warned that the building is so comprehensively knackered it could be destroyed before renovation is agreed upon, let alone begun. This would be the only conceivable occasion on which this cohort of politicians could be described as bringing the house down.

Even the sewage crisis has been folded into the nostalgia myths that some find more comfortable than dealing with the present. “I remember as a child in south Wales swimming in sewage,” reminisced the Conservative MP Damian Green this week. “Jackson’s Bay in Barry used to be a sewage outlet where we all went and paddled and swam...”

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

This June, Marina Hyde will join fellow columnists at three Guardian Live events in Leeds, Brighton and London. Readers can join these events in person and the London event will be livestreamed

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

Of course there are other matters for our country to address, but this is the one that really matters. They are us, we are them

Phillip Schofield’s This Morning career is lying in state on a catafalque and the queue to view it currently runs to 10 miles. Yet still they come. What a testament to the guy’s particular qualities. Then again, when the loathed Hollywood executive Harry Cohn died back in the 1950s and 2,000 people attended his funeral, a comedian remarked: “It only proves what they always say – give the public what they want to see and they’ll come out for it.”

To the perennial snakepit of daytime television, then, with ITV’s morning magazine drawing the rubberneckers on Monday, as former bezzies and co-presenters Phil and Holly Willoughby “battled on” despite reports of a serious rift. Schofield has done hilariously mad things over the past week, like hire crisis management and issue a statement about their amazing friendship and professional partnership. Holly … hasn’t.

Award-winning British actor Ruth Wilson considers #MeToo hypocrisy, the violence of cosmetic surgery and why she steers clear of social media (24m02s); Marina Hyde grapples with last week’s coronation protest power-play from the Met (1m32s); and Elle Hunt reveals the incredible story of one man’s struggle to rebuild his life after being struck by lightning (8m48s)

As the bonfire of EU laws turned into another damp squib, a desperate party was pushing the business secretary as its voice of reason

Seven years after the country voted to leave the EU, the daily arguments over what precisely that meant and how precisely to do it still have the freshness of a vegetable rotting in a Great British field for want of any Great Brit to pick it. Brexit is a journey, not a destination – like a late-night trip on TransPennine Express, or “life” on Instagram.

Incredibly, the Conservative party has now found yet another way to divide itself over the issue. Yes, even its splits have splits. Brexiteers themselves have now subdivided into diehards and compromisers. Expect both those categories to subdivide again soon, as we hurtle inexorably towards the logical end of the Brexit process: hundreds of individual politicians screaming into hundreds of individual TV cameras that only they can fix it.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

This June, Marina Hyde will join fellow columnists at three Guardian Live events in Leeds, Brighton and London. Readers can join these events in-person and the London event will be livestreamed

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

Yet again, the force leads the way in incompetence and overreach. As for the PM who egged them on: nothing to do with ’im, guv

In a deeply unpredictable turn of events – anticipated by only the most casual students of the Metropolitan police – the force has made another howler. Howlers are the specific category of Met misuse of powers where nobody died, or got sexually assaulted, or both. Nevertheless, they can have serious significance. The anti-monarchy group Republic participated in months of briefings and meetings with the Met concerning their protest at last Saturday’s coronation, in which they were informed that their peaceful plans were lawful. As it turned out on the day, however, six members of the group, including its chief executive Graham Smith, were arrested before the protest even began. According to the Met’s account: “They were held on suspicion of conspiracy to cause public nuisance. We seized lock-on devices.”

And yet … did they? The police seem instead to have seized the luggage straps the protesters used to secure their placards. The force has now expressed “regret” that these arrests took place at all. This lengthy statement adds: “It was not clear at the time that at least one of the group stopped had been engaging with police protest liaison team officers ahead of the event.”

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber Publishing, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.

Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.

Multi-platinum singer-songwriter Kesha discusses her most raw and confrontational album to date (9m31s); as the Post Office scandal continues to unfold, Marina Hyde asks why there is a deafening silence on social media (1m35s); and as the nation celebrates the new monarch, Caroline Davies considers the historic coronations that went awry (26m44s)

Royals surprise those camped outside the palace following lunch with Commonwealth leaders

• What to expect: key events and timings

A children’s biography of King Charles III has topped the UK book chart before the coronation on 6 May.

Maria Isabel Sánchez Vegara’s King Charles is part of the Little People, Big Dreams series, which includes illustrated biographies of notable figures such as Stephen Hawking and Michelle Obama.

It’s everything he had hoped for, just the wrong era. Still, one makes the best of these things

Are you all set for the coronation? Whether you plan to pay the “people’s homage” – swearing aloud the newly proposed oath of allegiance to the king while watching it at home – is, of course, a private matter between you and your television set. This morning, Charles’s friend Jonathan Dimbleby suggested that this faintly controversial innovation was some ghastly evangelical idea of the archbishop of Canterbury’s (I paraphrase), and that Charles himself would find it “abhorrent”. Which feels fairly definitive.

Even if the archbish hasn’t made a bish, it must be said that the full-spectrum reverence of the run-up to the coronation can leave one always on the point of collapsing into giggles. I hugely enjoyed a Spectator article this week about the spoon used to anoint the sovereign with holy oil, which was described as a “very special one” (agreed), “one of the most beautiful examples of that humble genus” (OK), and “doubtless the world’s most important spoon” (sorry, I’ve gone).

Horrific detail piles on horrific detail as the inquiry rumbles on, barely noticed by those for whom this injustice is seemingly not sexy enough

I can’t help suspecting that former Post Office chief executive Paula Vennells might have been more publicly vilified if she’d done a bad tweet, rather than merely presided over a firm during the most widespread miscarriage of justice in British history.

Forgive the return to this furrow, but no matter how often they are restated (far from often enough), the details of the Post Office scandal are so incredible as to be almost literally impossible to believe. Put as sparsely as possible, 736 subpostmasters and postmistresses were prosecuted for theft, fraud and false accounting in their branches, between 2000 and 2014. Yet they had done nothing wrong, The fault was with a new computer system designed by Fujitsu and forced on to them by Post Office management – a system that top brass allegedly knew was faulty.